Still Gray

I’d discovered that someone I know from a gaming community that I usually frequent was stalking some girl, whom he knew in real life. He’d posted her picture, named her, and told us he was in love with her and that he needed her in his life. He’d mentioned that he had managed to acquire her phone number by paying one of her friends for it.

This struck me as awkward, but I tried to brush it off.

As I knew he suffered from some form of social anxiety, I thought at first that it was just some girl from school or college that he’d had a crush on but couldn’t find the guts to talk to and so I told him to gather up his courage to speak to her instead of just looking at her Facebook account or longing for her to be with him. If they could become friends, I thought, he might even have a chance of going out with her like a normal person.

Alas, my advice was shot down by others in the community who knew more about the situation than I did. It would appear that the girl and he had previous run-ins, and that she was well aware of the guy’s infatuation, or dare I say obsession. I’m even told that the law became involved. It seemed incredulous – I had played hours of Left 4 Dead with this guy, been acquainted with him for months, and spent much time in the community involved in projects surrounding Warhammer painting, rekindling old loves for old games like X-Com and the like. To hear this about him was a shock.

He has pursued this girl for years – since 2006, I believe. To my knowledge, they haven’t a single thing in common.

Unlike other people who remember the good times they’ve had with someone they loved – the times they laughed together, held hands or shared a common interest, all he remembers are the times he’s seen his own reflection on windows as he stared at her. Longing for that mirrored perspective, where the two of them could be lovers at last – like the Death Cab for Cutie song.

He’d acquired her phone number through dubious means, acquired her photographs, and followed her whereabouts. The law became involved, and though she couldn’t take out a restraining order against him, he’d agreed to go on medication for his psychosis.

Through inquiry, I discovered that he’d divulged to a mutual friend of ours that he believed that he’d like for her to “have him in her thoughts” than not at all, because it was “better than nothing”, to which our friend replied, “God dammit, leave her alone.” I’m praying that he listens.

Our friend also told me how he fantasized of a house in the woods, in which she and other girls with whom he held an unhealthy interest would live in, like a harem. It’s a fucked up thought, and I don’t understand how anyone could see the appeal in something like that.

…

Today was her birthday, and he told us that he thought of calling her up on the phone. We told him not to, and so he didn’t. Can you imagine receiving a phone call on your birthday from someone you never want to hear from ever again?

He also told us how there would be times when it felt as if she was with him, right by his side. He’d make decisions under her advice, imagining what she’d say to each of the things he did, and lived his life accordingly. “This is what she’d want me to do,” he deluded himself into thinking.

It’s all rather odd, considering how she didn’t want her in his thoughts at all. I do not think that he belongs to himself, with his thoughts in control of an imagined presence. He might be on strong anti-psychotic medication, but what use are those if he continues to harbor these feelings, as if they were rational?